The Leaving Feeling

เป็นกระทู้แรกที่โพสท์ในรอบหลายปี
อาจจะเกือบสิบปีได้
ยิ้ม

ขอโทษที่โพสท์เป็นภาษาอังกฤษนะคะ
เรื่องนี้เขียนไว้ตอนอยู่นิวยอร์คสี่ปีที่แล้ว และไม่มีแป้นไทย
มาอ่านอีกที ไม่อยากเปลี่ยนเป็นภาษาไทย อยากจะเก็บไว้ตามต้นฉบับ
เพราะภาษาที่ใช้ก็ไม่ได้ยาก
ไม่ได้เก่งด้วย เพราะงั้นคงมีแกรมม่าผิดเยอะมาก
ถึงจะพยายามแก้แล้วก็ตาม - -"

หวังว่าจะพออ่านได้เพลินๆ ในบ่ายวันอังคารธรรมดาๆ นะคะ

ยิ้ม


This was written about 4 years ago..
in my very first apartment in Queens, New York, Grand Avenue stop.
It was first posted on Hi5.

Well yeah, it was THAT old.
I didn't edit much..
just tried to correct some grammartically mistake..
to the best of my knowleadge, of course.

Cheers to a chill Tuesday.

..............



It's a windy city.

I realized this fact when I was crossing the 34th street.
The lady in front of me almost lost her hat by the strong wind.
Blonde hair waving in the air.

Maybe it's this wind whose responsible for this, the leaving thing.
May it be because of the wind that blowing so hard that people in this city keep swirling around,
meeting at one point,
and passed by.

It's the leaving feeling.

I realized it somewhere in the middle of the 34th street.
.............

Many people remember him as Dr.Rex.

I could hardly remember his real name in Korean, but I can remember the rest of him so well.
He is tan, with a strange hair and dressing style.
He's sitting right in the middle of empty chairs when I first met him in the new English class.
He's an actor, a traditional one who perform some cultural performance that I don't know how to pronouce the name.
He's been in New York for two and a half years.
Though he looks like a not-so-out-going guy, he's friendly anyway.

We talked sometime in general issue like what we do and why we come to New York, but not so closed.
He sometimes take a nap in class.
I remember I used to nudge him to wake him up but he pretended he's still somewhere in his dream
(I noticed his hidden smile).
..............

He got the name Dr.Rex when we had a playrole in our class.
The teacher wanted us to set up a TV show that discuss about the cloning technology that affect ethical issue nowadays.
He's set to be a scientist name Dr.Rex. The rapper-look-scientist one.
This was when I saw the actor in him and kept telling myself "Oh, he's a real actor."

..................

I was always late for class, like half an hour something. (so what? I work very late every night!)
This class was sort of crowded and it's getting harder and harder to find a seat when you're that late. So I always have trouble finding a chair every morning.
The only place I could squeeze myself in was in the back of the room where Dr.Rex resided.

"You're late"
He sometimes turn to me with that sleepy look like he doesn't really care of what he was saying, just tried to find something to say instead of Hi or Good morning.
"I know" I replied, "I was working very late last night."
Then he'd nod his head like he understands the situation very well and smile.

It's awkward enough to always be the last person who come to class,
but Dr.Rex could till make it even harder.

After we're getting closer as classmates, he kept trying to stop me from finding a seat.
"Do you wanna have trouble?" I screamed.
Then, with that victorious smile, he would move his leg out, like he's some sort of a door keeper to my holy seat.
He'd enjoy doing this everytime the only seat availabled was right behind him.

Not everytime I'd get the seat close to him.
So sometime he'd send a teasing smile across the room to say hi and I'd raised my eyebrows to say hello back.

Couple weeks passed by with the rise of his popularity as Dr.Rex.
I could say he's not that charming or popular to classmates at first.

But after that role he played so well, and so funny, most of our classmates started to like him and recognised him more than a Korean guy who always take a nap in class. Just like me.

.................

And as always..

when good thing, like liking someone, started to grow,
the wind would start doing its job.
........


Dr.Rex still enjoyed playing door keeper and teasing me.
"What's wrong with you!" and I would always scream the same old way.

Last week I was so damn late again, like 45 minutes, the situation's worse.
But that coudln't stop Dr.Rex from enjoying his duty.

"This is our emergency exit, you can't sit here"
He said while a japanese guy send me the chair to place at the only available space in class, in front of him and the turkish classmate.
"I don't care" I replied, then rest myself down.

The teacher looked tire of us. She told me to join his group to do a group vocabulary work.
We helped each other answer vocabulary questions and I would say we're the perfect partners, included that turkish guy.

After the break he showed me how he could imitated chick's chirping.
"That's the bird!" I surprised how well he do it.
"No, it's little chicken"
"Nooooooooo. That's the bird. I can picture it."
"No no no, it's the little chicken sound" the turkish guy supported him.

Then he showed me the frog's sound.
"You look really like a frog when you do that" I laughed, so he did it again.
"How can you do that?"
"Try to blow between your teeth" he demonstrated, "Then slowly close your mouth"
And that's the chick's sound.

"How can you say little chicken in Korean" I asked
"Hyoung-a-ri" he said.
"Hyoung-a-ri" I repeated.
"Yes" he smiled.

After that little chicken thing, I started interviewing him again of what he'll do next.
He told me many things,
except that he's leaving.

.................


After the class ended, I walked out straight to a trash can to throw away some stuff, without noticing he's right behind waiting to surprise me.
"What's wrong with you!" I yelled, again.
He laughed then walked beside me to the hall way.

Without prior notice or sign,
he told me like it is the simplest thing in the world.

"I like you"

I surprised.

"Because I'm cute, right?"
I really had no idea what to say better than that.
"Yeah," he smiled, then turned to me "You're cute" with that oh-so-normal look.
I forced a laugh
"C'mon, I’m just kidding"

An awkward silence.

I changed topic to what will he do after class.
He said he gonna go home but I told him I have another class in the afternoon and I have to wait for my friend right in front of the school.
So we went our separate ways.


Next morning, I came early so I could easily find a seat.
But again, the only seat available was right next to him.
I went straight to the seat, this time he didn't put his leg in my way.
First I thought the war had ended,
but I was totally wrong.

When I put my hand on the table and tried to rest myself down, he grabbed my wrist tightly.
"What!" I pulled my hand back.
"What's wrong with you!"
He answered with that victorious smile just like every other times.


Today we didn't talk much.
There's some awkward air around us.
I went to Starbucks during the break, when I came back, the war started again.

He grabbed my wrist so tight and looked up to me like he's asking for trouble.
"What!' I shook off his hand.
"What's wrong with you!?" I yelled and punch his shoulder.
He laughed.

"I can see she really likes you" the turkish classmate said.
"Nooooo" I screamed,
"It's him! he likes me but I don't like him."
He suddenly turned to me. I regreted the second I say it.
I was just trying to hide the obvious truth.
"C'mon, I'm just kidding".
That didn't help.

......................


The Class ended with no chance for us to talk.
I get my things while he get his.
He threw his backpack up on his back when he turned to me.

"You won't see me again"

he said this out simplily.
I turned to him with surprise.
"What?".
Felt let down with no reason.

"I'll go on a vacation" he smiled.
"oh.." I paused, admit I felt a lot more relieved.
"But," he continued,
"After vacation, I will transfer to another school."

I couldn't tell how he feel that moment,

but I was shocked.


"So you won't be here anymore?" I finally asked.
He noded.
"Today is my last day here."
he smiled calmly.

I was completely shocked.

Then a silence.


"So," I forced myself to say something,
"Good luck."
That's the best thing I could think of at the moment.

It's stupid.


He smiled..
just like every other smiles he used to send across the room.
Like every other smiles I'm getting use to and thought it would last forever.
I was wrong.

Some thought came up to me why he did that strange things today.
I never thought grabbing someone's wrist could mean something.
But now.. it might .


He turned away while waving his hand.
I stood still, looked at him till his back faded in the crowd.
The crowd pushed him to the end of the hall way,
and disappeared fom my sight,

forever.


That's when I feels the leaving feeling,
the message that comes with that strange behavior.


..................


Today, New York's still windy.
Just like every other days, the wind is doing what it has to do.


I only hope, one day,
the wind will do its job.. just like every other days.  


And blow us back to meet


somewhere.  



.....
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